Journals99
Newest
You know..
1 min read
If only there was an off switch button for feelings.
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And so...
10 min read
It took me a long time to write this journal. I was struggling to find the right words to say and/or wasn't sure of how much explaining I should really do. Never the less, if any of you want to ask me anything you're more than welcome to note me and I'll answer any questions you have whether they be personal or not privately. I really don't want anyone to ever feel like they can't speak to me. If there is something you want to know or need to ask me please don't be frightened to note me. I would rather to resolve things and repair as much as I can in order to move on. I won't ever hold grudges with anyone but at the same time if anyone doesn't want to speak to me again I'll respect that too.
I'll explain things below but for those of you that don't want to read a wall of text just skip to the short version.
Long version:
I guess most of you know a few things that went on while I was active over on tumblr. Everything started to go downhill last year during the summer. In my past journals I mentioned about being diagnosed with high anxiety and OCD and about taking meds for it. I tired taking the medication for a while but they didn't really work out well for me and I thought I could handle things fine. A few family problems came about so I was on and off for the most part which led me to loosing a few friends. I'm pretty sensitive when it comes to friendship and it kills me if I find out that I hurt or upset anyone who I consider a friend. It hurts even more when you find out that some talk about you behind your back and use you. I questioned myself so many times about what I did wrong and became more and more paranoid with interacting with people. One of the reasons I sometimes disappear from DA is because I'm always afraid to bother with people in fear or hurting anyone or making people mad/upset with me. I didn't want to ruin things with anyone, so I sometimes go off now and again to clear my head and to make sure I don't do something stupid. I popped in on DA now and again to check up on things cause I do care about how everyone is doing. Its just... I get afraid to be as active as I used to be..
I discovered tumblr and so I decided to use that site to relax a little and maybe vent now and again as I always felt venting on here too much is not really good for me considering its suppose to be an art site not really a blog. While I was on tumblr I came across COJ fans and I really wanted to become friends with them. Its hard being in a small fandom with no-one else to talk to about the game with or have fun with. In the beginning I was so excited and but it turned out to be a waste of time anyway as one of them hated me, my pairing of RXR and called my OC a whore just because I was interfering with their OTP they saw of Ray and his brother... HIS BROTHER?! ( I'm gonna sound like a hypocrite for saying this cause I pair Ray with my character but really... its just so OOC for them and doesn't make any sense. It made Ray and Thomas seem very OOC cause Thomas is a womanizer and Ray also loves women. They argued over one in the story for goodness sake.. Just because they fight with each other in the game doesn't make them lovers plus they are family)
You know, its fine for people to like yaoi. I have no problem with that and I am not homophobic at all, but incest creeps the fuck out of me. I'm sorry for my opinion but it does. I tried to ignore it though because its fine if its their fetish. They were best friends with another fan who I did like and wanted to be good friends with so I tried to be civil and just accepting. I don't judge people for what they like even if I don't like it. Yet it was a waste of time trying to be accepting when someone else doesn't even try and I didn't want it shoved in my face...
I thought I could have made COJ friends but I was wrong... the one I tried to be friends with lied to me anyway so I wasted my time being friends with the both of them all the way through summer up till Jan this year. I felt awful cause I really thought I was friends with one of them... I tried to accept something I didn't like for the sake of being friends.. but no... Then again some of it probably might have been my fault for wanted to be friends with other fans so badly. I apologize for my behavior but I just get excited to find other people who like the same things as me. I'm really sorry if I ever come off as annoying or creepy in anyway when I don't mean to.. I guess I was being selfish and was punished for being stupid and blind.
Then in Jan Samantha and I lost one of our cats... Baby was only 13 years old. We were convinced that she would live for a long time because of how strong she was. She got sick during Christmas and with countless vets visits and the stress of having enough money to go, it was upsetting. Then on the 18th she collapsed and didn't respond to us.. we had to say goodbye and have her put down. Baby passed away from a tumor that was between her lungs and the vet said she was too old to be operated on but she was doing fine for a week before her death. Then it just happened. She was my sister's so she took it worse and I was upset that I couldn't make her happy or speak to her properly... It reminded me of what happened when our Grandfather died and how it was the same then. It hit me really hard too though because I know some of you guys will understand how painful it is to lose a pet after having them in your family for so long. It took me a while to get over it and plus the fact that I lost friends and ended up with people being spiteful and hurtful with me.
I tried to be active on tumblr but I moved to another account to get away from those fans before cause I didn't want drama or them being hurtful.. it didn't last long though as I became more and more depressed and stressed out. Then I realized that one of those people I mentioned above was stalking my old tumblr page and it was freaking me out. I was scared of them finding my hidden blog to come and start things. It scared the shit outta me.. even though they did find me after all. I left the internet all together. I needed to get out before I did something really stupid.
I became depressed and so paranoid to the point where I started to hurt myself and others. I didn't mean to... I felt like I was hitting rock bottom and loosing my sanity and I came close to ending everything. I went into hospital a few times because of my behavior and how I was. I pushed people away and I even pushed good people away.. I didn't want to hurt them with the way I was. I felt like I was gonna destroy the few friendships I had left and I probably did... I didn't want anyone to take the things I did personally... I'm really sorry... I was not in the right state of mind and not myself, yet I know there is no excuse for my behavior and the way I have acted. I understand that words on a screen can look so meaningless... but I truly am sorry.. I don't know how or what to do to make things up or if I even can. I will try though. I'm learning to accept the way I am and responsibility for my actions from now on.
I know I can't be friends with ever single person I meet. I like to try and see the good in everyone but there comes a time where some are just gonna be horrible for the sake of it. I don't want to hold grudges and I just want to throw this out there that I am not mad at anyone either.. more like I always thought everyone was mad at me. I want to be a better person and I'm still learning.. I only hope some of you can forgive me even if I don't deserve it. Countless times I always screw up. I don't want people to feel stressed out by me in anyway or feel like they are forced to do something they don't wanna. I just sometimes need to be reassured just to feel ok with everything going on. I want to heal and have closure on things... so if any one of you out there need answers from me about anything just note me
Short version:
I didn't mean to go and vent too much here but I guess it makes things a little easier to understand how I was feeling, why I acted the ways I did and why I was gone. To cut to the point I had trouble with people who I thought where friends, had one of our oldest cats pass away and just became too depressed to do anything. Now I just want to be back on DA posting like old times and become a better person and learn to move on with life.
I have a lot of artwork to post that I posted on tumblr. So just a little heads up I might be spamming my gallery for a few days with some old stuff but I'll try to keep it to a maximum of 3/4 a day so not to make everyone's inboxes go crazy. I want to also say thank you to everyone who wished my Happy birthday back in April
Sorry I wasn't online but coming back and seeing all those birthday messages really meant a lot to me and I appreciate it so much! I'm gonna clear out my messages to start afresh to be able to comment more on things again and reply more often. I feel I owe you guys that much.
I guess that's all. I rambled on and wasted everyone's time enough hehe, thank you to anyone who reads all of this even though you don't have to
I have been on DA for a total of 8 years and a part of it still feels like home to me so I will probably always be around some way or another. For now I'm just gonna catch up and start over. I hope I can interact with you guys more and just be a better friend to all. To all of you who are still here.. Thank you
I'll explain things below but for those of you that don't want to read a wall of text just skip to the short version.
Long version:
I guess most of you know a few things that went on while I was active over on tumblr. Everything started to go downhill last year during the summer. In my past journals I mentioned about being diagnosed with high anxiety and OCD and about taking meds for it. I tired taking the medication for a while but they didn't really work out well for me and I thought I could handle things fine. A few family problems came about so I was on and off for the most part which led me to loosing a few friends. I'm pretty sensitive when it comes to friendship and it kills me if I find out that I hurt or upset anyone who I consider a friend. It hurts even more when you find out that some talk about you behind your back and use you. I questioned myself so many times about what I did wrong and became more and more paranoid with interacting with people. One of the reasons I sometimes disappear from DA is because I'm always afraid to bother with people in fear or hurting anyone or making people mad/upset with me. I didn't want to ruin things with anyone, so I sometimes go off now and again to clear my head and to make sure I don't do something stupid. I popped in on DA now and again to check up on things cause I do care about how everyone is doing. Its just... I get afraid to be as active as I used to be..
I discovered tumblr and so I decided to use that site to relax a little and maybe vent now and again as I always felt venting on here too much is not really good for me considering its suppose to be an art site not really a blog. While I was on tumblr I came across COJ fans and I really wanted to become friends with them. Its hard being in a small fandom with no-one else to talk to about the game with or have fun with. In the beginning I was so excited and but it turned out to be a waste of time anyway as one of them hated me, my pairing of RXR and called my OC a whore just because I was interfering with their OTP they saw of Ray and his brother... HIS BROTHER?! ( I'm gonna sound like a hypocrite for saying this cause I pair Ray with my character but really... its just so OOC for them and doesn't make any sense. It made Ray and Thomas seem very OOC cause Thomas is a womanizer and Ray also loves women. They argued over one in the story for goodness sake.. Just because they fight with each other in the game doesn't make them lovers plus they are family)
You know, its fine for people to like yaoi. I have no problem with that and I am not homophobic at all, but incest creeps the fuck out of me. I'm sorry for my opinion but it does. I tried to ignore it though because its fine if its their fetish. They were best friends with another fan who I did like and wanted to be good friends with so I tried to be civil and just accepting. I don't judge people for what they like even if I don't like it. Yet it was a waste of time trying to be accepting when someone else doesn't even try and I didn't want it shoved in my face...
I thought I could have made COJ friends but I was wrong... the one I tried to be friends with lied to me anyway so I wasted my time being friends with the both of them all the way through summer up till Jan this year. I felt awful cause I really thought I was friends with one of them... I tried to accept something I didn't like for the sake of being friends.. but no... Then again some of it probably might have been my fault for wanted to be friends with other fans so badly. I apologize for my behavior but I just get excited to find other people who like the same things as me. I'm really sorry if I ever come off as annoying or creepy in anyway when I don't mean to.. I guess I was being selfish and was punished for being stupid and blind.
Then in Jan Samantha and I lost one of our cats... Baby was only 13 years old. We were convinced that she would live for a long time because of how strong she was. She got sick during Christmas and with countless vets visits and the stress of having enough money to go, it was upsetting. Then on the 18th she collapsed and didn't respond to us.. we had to say goodbye and have her put down. Baby passed away from a tumor that was between her lungs and the vet said she was too old to be operated on but she was doing fine for a week before her death. Then it just happened. She was my sister's so she took it worse and I was upset that I couldn't make her happy or speak to her properly... It reminded me of what happened when our Grandfather died and how it was the same then. It hit me really hard too though because I know some of you guys will understand how painful it is to lose a pet after having them in your family for so long. It took me a while to get over it and plus the fact that I lost friends and ended up with people being spiteful and hurtful with me.
I tried to be active on tumblr but I moved to another account to get away from those fans before cause I didn't want drama or them being hurtful.. it didn't last long though as I became more and more depressed and stressed out. Then I realized that one of those people I mentioned above was stalking my old tumblr page and it was freaking me out. I was scared of them finding my hidden blog to come and start things. It scared the shit outta me.. even though they did find me after all. I left the internet all together. I needed to get out before I did something really stupid.
I became depressed and so paranoid to the point where I started to hurt myself and others. I didn't mean to... I felt like I was hitting rock bottom and loosing my sanity and I came close to ending everything. I went into hospital a few times because of my behavior and how I was. I pushed people away and I even pushed good people away.. I didn't want to hurt them with the way I was. I felt like I was gonna destroy the few friendships I had left and I probably did... I didn't want anyone to take the things I did personally... I'm really sorry... I was not in the right state of mind and not myself, yet I know there is no excuse for my behavior and the way I have acted. I understand that words on a screen can look so meaningless... but I truly am sorry.. I don't know how or what to do to make things up or if I even can. I will try though. I'm learning to accept the way I am and responsibility for my actions from now on.
I know I can't be friends with ever single person I meet. I like to try and see the good in everyone but there comes a time where some are just gonna be horrible for the sake of it. I don't want to hold grudges and I just want to throw this out there that I am not mad at anyone either.. more like I always thought everyone was mad at me. I want to be a better person and I'm still learning.. I only hope some of you can forgive me even if I don't deserve it. Countless times I always screw up. I don't want people to feel stressed out by me in anyway or feel like they are forced to do something they don't wanna. I just sometimes need to be reassured just to feel ok with everything going on. I want to heal and have closure on things... so if any one of you out there need answers from me about anything just note me
Short version:
I didn't mean to go and vent too much here but I guess it makes things a little easier to understand how I was feeling, why I acted the ways I did and why I was gone. To cut to the point I had trouble with people who I thought where friends, had one of our oldest cats pass away and just became too depressed to do anything. Now I just want to be back on DA posting like old times and become a better person and learn to move on with life.
I have a lot of artwork to post that I posted on tumblr. So just a little heads up I might be spamming my gallery for a few days with some old stuff but I'll try to keep it to a maximum of 3/4 a day so not to make everyone's inboxes go crazy. I want to also say thank you to everyone who wished my Happy birthday back in April
Sorry I wasn't online but coming back and seeing all those birthday messages really meant a lot to me and I appreciate it so much! I'm gonna clear out my messages to start afresh to be able to comment more on things again and reply more often. I feel I owe you guys that much.I guess that's all. I rambled on and wasted everyone's time enough hehe, thank you to anyone who reads all of this even though you don't have to
I have been on DA for a total of 8 years and a part of it still feels like home to me so I will probably always be around some way or another. For now I'm just gonna catch up and start over. I hope I can interact with you guys more and just be a better friend to all. To all of you who are still here.. Thank you
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Devious Journal Entry
1 min read
I feel so depressed right now.. tears are falling from my eyes as I type this... I can't...
I mess things up so much. I can't make new friends. I hurt people.. I hurt myself..
I keep loosing people..
I can't do this anymore.. there is nothing left of me
</3
I mess things up so much. I can't make new friends. I hurt people.. I hurt myself..
I keep loosing people..
I can't do this anymore.. there is nothing left of me
</3
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Restart
2 min read
I want to come back here and start again from scratch. I miss posting my art and being apart of a community. Only problem is that I'm not sure if I have enough confidence to do so...
Plus I feel like I have treated everyone like crap from not being on here and just leaving all the time. Yet I miss everyone terribly.
A lot of things have been going on in my life lately which has changed me in some ways, not sure if its good or bad. I have been spending my time on tumblr and so I have loads of stuff to post. Most it is Call of Juarez art mostly so sorry to all the canine artists who watch me. I think I'll be drawing much more human art more than canines from now on, though that doesn't mean I will stop with the canines as I still love to draw them. Feel free to unwatch me if you don't like the new things I will be posting I don't mind and I won't be mad.
My whole gallery needs to have a clear out. I might gonna go and delete some stuff or shove it into scraps. I will store any giftart just in case so if any of you have a picture I drew for you in my gallery don't worry I can just unstore it again if you would like me to when/if you see it go missing. Thinking of changing my name too, but I'll have to wait until I get a sub again.
I hope all of you have been doing well lately. I still love all of my buds that I have left so much I never stopped thinking about you guys..
Plus I feel like I have treated everyone like crap from not being on here and just leaving all the time. Yet I miss everyone terribly.
A lot of things have been going on in my life lately which has changed me in some ways, not sure if its good or bad. I have been spending my time on tumblr and so I have loads of stuff to post. Most it is Call of Juarez art mostly so sorry to all the canine artists who watch me. I think I'll be drawing much more human art more than canines from now on, though that doesn't mean I will stop with the canines as I still love to draw them. Feel free to unwatch me if you don't like the new things I will be posting I don't mind and I won't be mad.
My whole gallery needs to have a clear out. I might gonna go and delete some stuff or shove it into scraps. I will store any giftart just in case so if any of you have a picture I drew for you in my gallery don't worry I can just unstore it again if you would like me to when/if you see it go missing. Thinking of changing my name too, but I'll have to wait until I get a sub again.
I hope all of you have been doing well lately. I still love all of my buds that I have left so much I never stopped thinking about you guys..
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